My Christmas

     As the holidays quickly approach us, I find myself in my usual thoughts I get this time of year.  Though I have much respect for those who get excited for the upcoming “most wonderful time of the year”, I still understand how it can be such a depressing time too.  Memories tend to swiftly surface of times past that not only bring a smile to my face but also an ache in my heart. 

     As a child, the holidays did not just mean presents.  It was the time of the year that I got to see family that lived far away.  I grew up in a small community in southwest Louisiana and a lot of my family lived in complete other states.  And since my grandparents lived right next door, everybody came to our houses for the holidays to celebrate.  I had aunts, uncles, and cousins from all over that would be in during this time.  When I was a child, it was indeed the most wonderful time of the year. 

     The last Christmas I had with both of my grandparents was in 1999.  The following year they decided that they would travel to west Texas to visit family there.  I remember that Christmas just felt strange because they were not there.  Then in May of 2001, before I got another holiday with her, my grandmother passed away.  My grandfather passed in 2004.  I had always been close to my grandparents so this hit me really hard.  I hid a lot of my pain though; I didn’t want others to worry about me when they were hurting as well. 

     The holidays, to me, have never been the same again.  Everybody has either gotten too old to travel or have already met up with my grandparents in heaven.  Cousins have all moved around even further than they were as kids for the most part.  And ever since my first “weird” Christmas, I have been trying to find either normalcy in the way things go now or find a way for things to go back to the way they were.  Maybe it sounds silly but the pain I feel is very much real.  I want my Christmas back.  

Where is the love?

     I am relieved that I have a caring heart.  My gentleness has brought to me friends to love and compassion for others.  I find the need to help without reward and the desire to not hate.  Love and kindness are like breathing oxygen to me.  So if it is such an effortless thing, why is there so much hate and pain around us?  Why is there prejudice and cruelty?  Where are the respect and the unselfishness for humanity?  And if we keep on like this, what will become of us?  What will become of our children?  

What is a friend?

     What is a friend?  What is a true friend?  Sometimes in life we find the true meaning of this simple term.  The people we believe to be a great person and friend usually turns out not to be, and the ones we least expect to be there for us in times of need are the the angels.  Why does it usually go this way?  I guess it's a true mystery of life.  

     I have had friends I thought I could count on.  Good friends at one time.  Now they are nothing more than a cherished, faded memory in this journey  I call my life.  Miss them?  Oh yes, very.  But I also have a life, a future, to live rather than dwell on the past.  I try to keep my head up high.  Sometimes are harder than others, but I know I can get through anything with the true friends.

     What is a true friend?  They are the ones who stick by you no matter what.  A simple disagreement cannot trash the relationship.  They are the shoulders you cry on.  They are the ears that listen and the voice that tries to help.  They are the arms of an angel that try their best to shield you from the horrible.  They are the laugh that makes you laugh.  The smile that makes you smile.  The cry that makes you cry with them.  They are the love that loves you, and loves you for you. 

     I want to take the time to thank my friends and tell yall that I love yall.  You know who you are.  I know who you are.  

Live

Remember to laugh

Remember to smile

Each day we live

We survived another mile

Remember to breathe

Remember to see

All the wonder of life

The gift it can be

Remember to stop

Remember to go

Take in the beauty

Go with the flow

Remember to love

Remember your heart

Give many hugs

Try never to part

Remember to hope

Remember to give

Take in the world

Simply just live. 

Soul Mate

    What is a soul mate?  Webster defines the term as “a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament”.  While I agree with this description, I also believe it to go much deeper than that.  Most people hear the phrase “soul mate” and automatically think of it as that person they are meant to spend the rest of their lives with.  Don’t get me wrong, this is a soul mate in my book as well.  But I also consider that is only one version of the term.

     Have you ever met somebody and later on that meeting somehow impacted (whether big or small) your life?  How about (dare I say it) changed it?  I strongly feel that people come into our lives for a reason.  We may not know it at the time of our first encounter but later on know that our life would not be the same had we not come across one another.  Perhaps we are meant to touch their life as well.  I have always been a firm believer in everything happening for a reason. 

     So the next time that you meet somebody new, remember that they very well could touch (or even change) your life in the future.  Or you change theirs.  Either way, soul mates were just united.  

It's Been Way Too Long

It’s so good to see you

It’s been way too long

You look so good

Sorry I did you wrong.

On so many long nights

I heard and watched you cry

I controlled your every move

But everything about you was a lie.

I didn’t do anything to help

I watched you suffer every day

Sorry I wasn’t making you happy

Mindless of me to lead you astray.

Finally had way enough

Of doing you so wrong

Reflection of mine, you look good

It’s been way too long.  

Live

See the sun see the sky

See the people passing by

Feel the breeze upon my face

On my tongue the air I taste

Get out and live your life today

It may be gone another day

Don’t wait for tomorrow to try and see

How freaking awesome life can be.

My Bucket List...for now.

My Bucket List…for now.

1.    Become a successful, published author.

2.   Invent something amazing.

3.   Live in Boston.

4.   Act in a movie.  A principle role, not just background.

5.   Write a screen play and see it turned into a movie.

6.   Live in California; preferably the San Diego area.

7.   Visit Scotland and Ireland.

8.   Learn as many languages as possible.  Fluently.  (Know some Spanish.  Working a little more on my French since I should know a lot more of that than I do!)

9.   Create awesome music and share it with the world.

10.  Have more friends than fingers that I actually can say I trust with my life.

11.  Host a holiday dinner/gathering at my house.

12.  Learn to swim and get over my fear of water.

13.  Build a snowman that is taller than me.  Hell, build a snowman that is taller than 6 inches. 

14.  Make a snow angel.

15.  Play in a paintball war.

16.  Learn to use chopsticks properly.

17.  Never have to see or talk to my ex again.  (Seems to slowly be happening)

18.  Go on a meditation retreat.

19.   Climb a mountain.

20.  Run a marathon.

21.  Visit all of the continents.

22.  Be the maid of honor in a wedding.

23.  Dive the Queen Anne’s Revenge.

24.  Go skydiving.

25.  Kiss the Blarney Stone.

26.  Model.  Not typical, airbrushed bs.

27.  Make money being me.

28.  Leave an inspirational note some place random for somebody to find.

29.  Help and watch my kids be awesome people. 

30.   Go to a real beach.

31.  Stop drinking soda.

32.  Get a professional camera and take amazing photos.

33.  Go to a St. Patrick’s Day Parade.

34.  See a famous play on Broadway.

35.  Learn to cook an amazing gumbo.

36.  Go on a winter sleigh ride.

37.  Have an oceanfront home.

38.  Visit a castle. 

39.  As unselfish sounding as possible, have an entire day as the center of attention being pampered and spoiled.

40.  Inspire someone.

41.  Go to Voodoo Fest.

42.  Learn a martial art.

43.  Purchase the old Kolb building in New Orleans.  Have a pub downstairs and live in the 2nd and 3rd floors.

44.  Experience weightlessness. 

45.  Achieve financial abundance with my passion.

46.  Give a heartfelt surprise to somebody. (Can never do this enough!  So awesome!)

47.  Receive a heartfelt surprise by somebody.

48.  Throw a mega party.

49.  Learn to ballroom dance.

50.  Do something completely crazy and out of character.

51.  Ride a huge roller coaster.

52.  Change the world.

53.  Learn sign language.

54.  Go to a costume party.

55.  Have a beer at Oktoberfest.

56.  Host SNL.

57.  Star in a rock video.

58.  Wash my hair in a waterfall.

59.  Take my kids to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.

60.  Bury a time capsule.

61.  Sleep on a hammock on the beach.

62.  Have my moment.

63.  Break a world record.

64.  Form a band.

65.  Go on a trip around the world.

66.  Sing a duet with somebody.

67.  Take a first aid Red Cross course.

68.  Become a vegetarian for a year.  Perhaps longer.

69.  Ride an elephant.

70. Take a random flight somewhere.

71.  Go zip lining.

72.  Make jogging a habit.

73.  Win a food challenge. (Came in 2nd in this so far)

74.  Snowboard.

75.  Experience a white Christmas.

76.  Design clothes.

77.  Kiss under mistletoe.

78.  Go to NYC during Christmas time.  See the tree in Rockefeller center.  Ice Skate.  Experience the beauty of the holiday décor across the amazing city.

79.  Help women who are/have been in an abusive relationship.

80.  Make my family proud.

81.  Learn to stand up for myself better.

82.  Start a movement that actually means something.

83.  Go camping.  Like, actually sleep outside.

84.  Go to a masquerade ball.

85. Learn Irish step dance.

86.  Kiss at the top of a Ferris wheel.

87.  Sing Karaoke.

88.  Sleep in front of a fire place.

89.  See the Saints win the super bowl again but in person. 

90.  Find the end of the rainbow.

91.  Learn several magic tricks.

92.   Catch a foul ball at a baseball game.

93.  Prove my critics wrong.

94.  Hula dance in Hawaii.

95.  Become a yoga instructor.

96. Take my kids to Disney world.

97.  See the Rocky Horror Picture Show live.

98.  Ring in the New Year in a big way.

99.  Write and publish my biography.

100.  Do Halloween in Salem, Ma.
101.  Run in a 5k. (About to do my 3rd one!!)
102.  Conquer an obstacle course of some sort.
103.  Visit the pyramids.
104.  Go to the Burning Man in the Black Rock Desert of Nevada. 
105.  Dia de los Muertos in Mexico.
106.  Kick negative habits.
107.  Learn to say no without feeling guilty.
108.  Visit the Hollywood star walk of fame and see the stars of people like Lucille Ball, Bob Marley and Michael Jackson.
109.  Travel with a band for a tour.
110.  Plant a garden.
111.  Heal my past.
112.  Volunteer at a pet shelter.
113.  Volunteer at a soup kitchen.
114.  Attend the Olympics.
115.  Start my own business. 
116.  Spend the night in a medieval castle. 
117.  Go on a humanitarian trip to Africa.
118.  Partake in a Japanese tea ceremony.  
119.  Learn to say yes without feeling guilty.
120.  Go to a huge water park and brave all of the water slides.
121.  Go to the Moulin Rouge in Paris.
122.  Solve a rubik's cube.
123.  Learn to juggle.  (Learning this now)
124.  Go skinny dipping. 
125.  Go to a Bruins game in TD Garden.
126.  Go to the Tunnel of Love near the city of Klevan in Ukraine. 
127.  See the Northern lights in Iceland.
128.  Eat sushi in Tokyo.  
129.  Visit Ground Zero in New York.
130.  See the Statue of Liberty in person.  
131.  Be able to do a handstand again.  
132.  Spend time in Jamaica.  
133.  Send a message in a bottle. 
134.  Give my autograph.
135.  Stand in a major public area holding a 'Free Hugs' sign.
136.  Randomly pay for somebody else's meal in a restaurant.
137.  Learn to spin and mix music.
138.  Go to the airport with no preconceived idea where to go and board a plane.
139.   Run the Boston Marathon. 
140.  Hold a snake.  

From a Onetime Insider’s Point of View

      I would always proclaim that I would not be in an abusive relationship.  “Why did they hook up with that guy?”  and “Why don’t they just leave?”  were of course common questions.  It’s simple though to talk this talk from an outsider’s point of view.  When you’re on the outside looking in (yes I just quoted Staind) assumptions are very easily made.  You think how simple it must be to avoid or just get out of a violent situation.  I thought this way.  I thought this way until I was on the inside. 

     I fell victim to domestic abuse at a relatively young age.  The signs were not there in the beginning like one would assume they are either.  I mean, it isn’t like these abusers walk around with a sign tied around their neck. That would be nice though.   I was so not prepared for such a position either considering I always said I wouldn’t be here.  It started slow and gradually got worse and worse.   First it was the controlling and verbal abuse but the physical was added into the mix before too long.  Of course I couldn’t tell anybody either for fear.  But I finally got out.

     That is all in my past now and I can proudly say that I am a survivor.  At the time I thought I lost everything and almost my life, but now I hold my head up high and smile knowing that I am stronger.  I never told a soul about the abuse until a week after leaving him.  I was embarrassed in the beginning.  Now I am wanting to help others who are in this situation.  As a victim and survivor, I know firsthand how it feels that nobody will help you.  Did I get any help out of the law?  Only if you consider a piece of paper forbidding him to come near me protection.  

     Also I want to spread awareness that just because somebody is in this situation, being beat on daily, does not mean that they brought it on themselves.  There is no way to know who somebody truly is sometimes until it is too late.  I am no longer on the inside but I am now a much wiser person outside.  I was challenged today by somebody saying women bring abuse on themselves.  I found this not only ignorant but entirely out of line.  It was a woman saying this as well.  She obviously has not been on the inside.  I am thankful for that for her.  I don’t wish it upon anybody.  But don’t be too quick to judge either.  It is that sort of criticizing behavior that prevents some women from seeking help.  Don’t ever just assume things.  There’s a good chance you’re wrong. 

     If you are in this situation, please know that there is hope and a way out.  There are shelters if you do not have family to turn to.  And whatever you do, please do not ever suppose it will get better.  It doesn’t.  It only gets worse.  His apologies become a broken record and before long even completely stop.  Get out now while you are still breathing.  

Some of your Evil Traditions

     I live in a small town that has actually broken records for having the most churches.  That being said, you would think that this town then would be a kind, gentle community that is not judgmental by any means.  Well it is and it isn’t. There are still a good bit of people around here, and other areas of the world who actually believe Halloween is evil. My family goes through this every year when October rolls around and frankly, it gets old.  We happen to enjoy the traditions of Halloween which include dressing up in costume and running amuck collecting candy.  We are quite fond of spooky stories, bonfires, and traditional Halloween games.  How is any of this evil? 

     Halloween is believed to have originated from the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain.  People would light bonfires and dress in costumes to ward off roaming ghosts.  It was known as All Hallows’ Eve and later Halloween.  Over time, the holiday has evolved into the secular event that is children and family friendly with activities such as trick or treating. Yes it came from traditions (and each and every thing involved including bobbing for apples) had purposes.  But yet, this is the ONLY thing considered “evil” that came from centuries old traditions?  Perhaps people should dig a bit deeper into history and I bet they would learn that they have been participating in “evil” or “Pagan” or whatever sort of traditions all along. 

     First off, everybody loves birthday parties, right?  Presents, games, a cake with lighted candles to send prayers and wishes up to the gods.  Yes, you read that right.  One of the stories in history is how people used candles on a birthday cake so that the smoke from them will carry the birthday person’s wishes to the gods in the skies so that they may be granted.  I have never once seen a birthday cake without lit candles on it.  More so, I have never not heard somebody say “Make a wish!” right before the person blows their candles out.  Another superstition is the tradition of the birthday party itself.  Did you know that a birthday party celebration originated in Europe because it was believed and feared that evil spirits were attracted to people on their birthdays.  Having a gathering of family and friends around the birthday person was said to protect them.  So think about all of that fun birthday stuff the next time you think about celebrating. 

     What’s next?  Oh yes…Christmas.  Christmas is a holiday where Christians (like me) celebrate the birth of Christ. Now the way I was taught, nobody really ever knew the exact date of Christ’s birth so a date was just selected to observe this holy day.  But what I learned later on through reading history (which is something I enjoy doing a lot) was that December 25^th was selected to try to convert the Pagans without interfering (and upsetting) with the already traditional Pagan holidays.  How many of you celebrate Christmas with a Christmas tree?  Did you know that the Christmas tree tradition comes from the Ancient Roman practice during Saturnalia, their Winter festival, which honored the god of agriculture?  So the next time you are decorating your tree during the holidays, thinking about that. 

     Who enjoys a good wedding?  The beautiful décor, the romance in the air, the bride in her beautiful dress and veil covering her face.  Did you or your bride have a veil?  In ancient Rome people believed that evil spirits were attracted to the bride so they covered her face to conceal her features and confuse these spirits.  In medieval times it was used to cover the bride to hide her from the evil eye.  Though some beliefs are that the veil came from arranged marriages but then again, there are tons of Halloween traditions that are overlooked too because people want to hear only some. So were you or your wife hidden from evil on your special day? 

     Now, I know everybody uses or at least has used a calendar at some point in their life.  Did you know that our calendar originates from a mixture of pagan and mythical beliefs?  The days of the week are based on Greek mythology.  Now it is convenient for Christian people to conform to society norms.  But whether we are religious or Christian or not, we do not think of the calendar of a pagan thing.  It is just merely a way to tell time.  Just like a wedding veil is not really believed these days to keep evil spirits away from the bride.  And the Christmas tree is used as a traditional centerpiece in a Christian holiday and not to worship the agriculture god.  And birthday candles and parties are fun traditions that have been done for quite some time and we don’t necessarily believe our wishes will be granted by the gods in the sky when we blow our candles out.  And finally, we don’t celebrate Halloween to worship other gods or even the devil according to popular belief for that matter.  Perhaps some people just simply like costumes, candy, bobbing for apples, and spooky stories around a bon fire for fun.  So before you judge, oh mighty Christians, perhaps you should dig a little deeper in your personal traditions.  You might be shocked by what you find.