My Christmas

     As the holidays quickly approach us, I find myself in my usual thoughts I get this time of year.  Though I have much respect for those who get excited for the upcoming “most wonderful time of the year”, I still understand how it can be such a depressing time too.  Memories tend to swiftly surface of times past that not only bring a smile to my face but also an ache in my heart. 

     As a child, the holidays did not just mean presents.  It was the time of the year that I got to see family that lived far away.  I grew up in a small community in southwest Louisiana and a lot of my family lived in complete other states.  And since my grandparents lived right next door, everybody came to our houses for the holidays to celebrate.  I had aunts, uncles, and cousins from all over that would be in during this time.  When I was a child, it was indeed the most wonderful time of the year. 

     The last Christmas I had with both of my grandparents was in 1999.  The following year they decided that they would travel to west Texas to visit family there.  I remember that Christmas just felt strange because they were not there.  Then in May of 2001, before I got another holiday with her, my grandmother passed away.  My grandfather passed in 2004.  I had always been close to my grandparents so this hit me really hard.  I hid a lot of my pain though; I didn’t want others to worry about me when they were hurting as well. 

     The holidays, to me, have never been the same again.  Everybody has either gotten too old to travel or have already met up with my grandparents in heaven.  Cousins have all moved around even further than they were as kids for the most part.  And ever since my first “weird” Christmas, I have been trying to find either normalcy in the way things go now or find a way for things to go back to the way they were.  Maybe it sounds silly but the pain I feel is very much real.  I want my Christmas back.